My last post was in 2008.
That was about two years ago. Sophomore year. Now it's senior year. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm freaking out like crazy and that I feel hopeless, empty, and wondering what was I thinking when I made these decisions. I'm surprised I still have this journal as well. I still remember the time I had a greatestjournal. If the site was still up, I'm sure I'd be able to sign in and read the days during high school. My xanga is definitely still there, suspended somewhere around graduation or other.
It's only been a month or two since school started and yet it already feels like the world and the sky will come crashing down in a sea of fire and brimstone that will suffocate you until you can speak or breathe no more. Although this is happening somewhere deep in the bowels of myself, it doesn't seem to show on my expressions. Aside from the heavy sighs, knitted brows, sagging of shoulders that want to hold no more weight, and the droopy skin melting away from the hollowed, sleepless face, there are no signs. If not a word is spoken, I'm not sure if anyone could guess how I was feeling right now. I don't even know. Only the body does.
It's a mixture of excitement and dread and the idea of wanting for it to just end. There's really no glory in it. The sparkles and glamor that seemed to define college life when we were still in high school are far behind in the past. We wanted to be all grown up. Now, I want to shrivel back into myself and never age, never change, and protect myself from all the world's wrongs. Another part of me can't do that either. It's a struggle between wanting to stay small and needing to grow with experience. There are a lot of good, memorable parts to being in college, but (at least for me) it evens out rather than outdoing one another. I can't wait and can't stand the thought of graduating.
I'm feeling, despite the possibility that no one's there on the other end to read this, that I should keep this baby going. For myself. Selfish much? You bet.
"I can't imagine life without your love . . ."
- Ear Candy:Suneohair :: Communication